You know how it is. You hear something and then it seems like everywhere you go, you hear it again. Well, burnout seems to be the topic du journal lately. I don't know how many blogging, homeschooling moms I've read recently who are either burned out, about to be burned out or worrying about burning out.
I've noticed that it's particularly prevalent amongst the ones who also practice attachment parenting, gentle parenting, co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. Many of them feel like they're going to snap if they don't get a break from their kids, but at the same time, they feel that this conflicts with their lifestyle choices.
Oddly enough, this theme is really apropos for me this week, because I just dropped my kids off at day camp this morning. They're going for five days and this is the first time in over a year that we'll be separated for most of the time. My youngest is 9 and my oldest is 17. Most of our waking hours are spent together and I have no problem with that. I don't like labels, but if I had to label myself, I'd say attachment parenting would fit what we do.
When my kids were babies, they were with me constantly, in a sling, on my hip, against my shoulder. Not for me those dratted car seats with a handle that everyone seems to carry their babies in lately. (Mutant baby ninja turtles? That's what they look like in their little upside down shells.) My kids got plenty of body contact and until they were two or so, Dad or the grandparents had to practically pry my fingers off them to get a little time alone with them.
Of course, in Geekdaddy's case this was only common sense on my part. After all, this is the guy who once took a kid all the way to the city and back, with him strapped into a carseat that wasn't strapped into the car's seat belt. (That the kid didn't just end up as a hood ornament, carseat and all, during one of Geekdaddy's sudden "whoa there's another car on the road and it's stopped in front of me" screeching halts is pure geek luck.) I won't even mention the time he left his son on the windowsill of the laundramat or the time he took his two yr old daughter into the women's bathroom and almost got arrested.
I know from burnout, because we were also therapeutic foster parents to more than one kid who had special needs. Hospital stays with a very sick infant, a very active toddler and an attachment disordered pre-schooler to consider aren't covered in most attachment parenting guides. Luckily, with a modicum of supervision and lists to help him remember how many kids he had at the time, what they ate and what medication kept them ticking over, my partner could take up the slack.
That's when we established the anti-burnout system that we still follow today. (It's also a pretty effective anti-divorce system if you want to present it as that.) I take a day off every week to do what I want to do. I also take two weeks off every year to take a child-free vacation. (I don't want to stay away from my kids for two whole weeks, so I take them about six months apart.) Most often, I go somewhere on Saturday with my brother or a friend. Sometimes, Geekdaddy takes the kids somewhere all day, so that I can have the house to myself. Sometimes, I just go off by myself.
The point is that I know that I have a block of time to do what I want in. You'd be surprised how much easier it is for me to ignore petty sibling squabbles, housework that just has to be done again and again and having a kid constantly talking to me. It also helps me appreciate my kids more when I'm with them. The ol' "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or if you prefer "how can I miss you if I never go away" motif.
If I didn't have the geek, I'd still find a way to have a day out a week. When he's unable to do it, usually because of work or union duties, I have a backup. My good friend runs a daycare and has known my kids forever. So my daughter goes there. (My son is old enough to take care of himself, but he usually goes to a friend's house just to give me an empty house and to give himself a day out.) This is also where my daughter goes on the rare occasions when the geek and I go out.
I realize that a lot of people feel that attachment parenting means never leaving your kids with anyone until they're able to take care of themselves, but I don't see it that way. Once kids are past the breastfeeding as their main nourishment phase (which even with extended breastfeeding is usually not past two), it's not going to hurt them at all to have you gone for a few hours or even a whole day. As long as they're with someone they love and trust and have a good relationship with , they're probably going to enjoy the break as much as you do.
Look at it from your kids' point of view. How healthy is having a mother who sacrifices her life to her kids' lives? That's a good role model? Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking that when they become parents, they give up all the other things they did before they were parents? I totally agree that kids should be the center of a parent's universe. But they shouldn't be the only thing in that universe, just like the sun isn't the only thing in the universe. (Boy, talk about burnout. That'd do it.)
I grew up in the fifties and sixties. My mother had never heard of attachment parenting, but she was too busy working and being a single mother to worry about it anyway. She practiced DE-tachment parenting. She threw us out in the morning, called us in for lunch and supper, then threw us out again until it was bedtime. She often had trouble getting us in too, because we loved the stuff we did outside.
Outside is a good place for kids. If more kids spent more time outside, alone in a safe place like their yard, with an older unschooled kid (even if you have to hire one) to supervise them or with a parent, maybe they wouldn't be so apt to do the things that leads to parent burnout. Maybe they'd burn off some of their tremendous energy instead of using it to burn out Mom. Maybe they'd do just as well thinking of freeform ways to amuse themselves, rather than needing someone to initiate and organize "learning experiences."
Even if you just take a few hours to go to the library, sit at a coffee shop with a book or your journal or sketchpad, window shop at the mall, sit on the beach and dig your toes into the sand, let your partner give the kids supper and put them to bed once in awhile, or read them a story or watch a video with them instead of you, it's all good. It's variety, something we try to give our kids because we know how stale life can get without it.
Don't get stale. Don't lose the joy that we all start out with as parents. Call a friend and offer to trade off childcare, so that you can each have a day off. Make a note to talk to the guy that got into this parenthood thing with you about how he needs to work on HIS relationship with his kids. If you have to, remind him that a day of fishing is cheaper than a divorce, even with the cost of bait these days. How about a baseball game, a picnic in the park, a bike ride,a long walk, a Harry Potter festival in the living room, just hanging out with a pizza and some video games?
One of my tag lines is "Shine On." I know it's hokey, but I have private reasons for using it and I really mean it when I say it. So I'll say it now and remind you - and most of all myself - that we can't shine on, or help our kids shine on, if we burn out.
Author Info:
Lill Hawkins lives in Maine and writes at News From Hawkhill Acres. It's a mostly humorous look at home schooling, writing and being a WAHM, whose mantra is "I'm a willow; I can bend."
